Filed under: MY DIARY
Jesus, love of my life…
I find it easier and easier to give up… stuff, people, relationships, dreams… I find it day by day easier to give up everything than means „I”.
A few years ago I couldn’t stand life with you, and started loving darkness – my mind was as dark as it gets. Now, I couldn’t imagine life without you. I could not live one day knowing that You’re apart, I couldn’t breathe away from You. And these are not just words I’ve once upon of time heard at my parents or in a church – this is the true meaning of my life.
God, I don’t know what I still have to give up for You. I still am trying to make a way through this life and make You happy and proud of me. I so often fail, Lord Jesus. I so often find myself being human again. Forgive me for opening my eyes towards my desires, my will, myself. I am willing to decrease so You might grow. I need You to grow, I want You to grow. You are everything that matters to me.
Thank You for breaking my heart, because if You never would, I would have never met You. I find joy and strength in Your will and my heart is always thirsty for You.
Here I am. Be the master of my life, as You already are. Take the place that you deserve, my King.
I want You to know that I am desperately afraid to depend totally on You, without any control over my life. And I’m afraid to ask You what will You bring in my life. So I won’t ask. Don’t tell me, I’ll die of fear and go crazy. But… drop by drop, I will drink it all, I will have it all, and thank You for it. I’m only asking for Your continuous, painful presence in my life. I need to be next to You.
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