“Why love, if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore: only the life I have lived. Twice in that life I’ve been given the choice: as a boy and as a man. The boy chose safety, the man chooses suffering. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That’s the deal.” (C.S.Lewis)

The conception of love… the question of love… I can’t stop wondering and also asking myself… why love a particular person? I didn’t believe loneliness can be a gift, but here I am, sunken in loneliness, and all I can see is the gift of spending time with God. I’m not saying it does not hurt a times, especially because of the reason why I am alone. Still, in all this suffering, maybe loneliness may be more than a context. For me, it can be a choice; and somehow, it just turns into the right option for me – it seems like that way. It is scary, but if I have God, and I share Him with other, and all my needs are supplied by brotherhood in Christ, the only reason I would ever love again is that I would literally need to have a physical connection with someone. And I ask myself… do I? I’m not judging the ones that do, I know physical pressure can be a great deal, but if I don’t really have it any longer, why worry about it and make it appear?

“Simply thinking about a life of suffering is suffering in itself.”
But Lord knows, Lewis, loneliness is not a continuous suffering; likewise, being in a couple is not a continuous happiness. I know you know…

I surely would have liked to meet these two guys…

Some say my faith is like wings made of wax
That it won’t last that I’m wasting my time
But have they ever felt a love like this
Grace like a gentle kiss beauty so divine

I was a soul
Stranded in bones
I was dream too afraid to dream without you
But now

I want to chase the daylight
Like it’s the last day of my life
I want to run
Hide myself in the sun and feel all these fears
Melt away
And I will never look back no I will never look back
I’m gonna live this life
Chasing the daylight

There’s still arrows in my heart
There’s still time I fall apart
And all I am left with is why’s
But then your love falls like a heavy rain
And I don’t feel the pain
When you’€˜re by my side

So open up the sky
And open up my eyes
Open up the sky tonight

(click to listen to it – Philip LaRue – Chasing the Daylight)

Thank You for breaking my heart, because if You never would, I would have never met You. I find joy and strength in Your will and my heart is always thirsty for You.

Here I am. Be the master of my life, as You already are. Take the place that you deserve, my King.
I want You to know that I am desperately afraid to depend totally on You, without any control over my life. And I’m afraid to ask You what will You bring in my life. So I won’t ask. Don’t tell me, I’ll die of fear and go crazy. But… drop by drop, I will drink it all, I will have it all, and thank You for it. I’m only asking for Your continuous, painful presence in my life. I need to be next to You.

I’m gonna show you a love in every language. I’m gonna speak with the words that need no form. I’m gonna give you what you never had before.

You are beautiful, Jesus, and I am weakened by the force of your eyes. So shine bright to separate the truth from the lies. I’m also gonna show You love.  So tie me to a tree and let the smoke and ash collect, as I worship You while this weakened world reaches it’s end. No, I won’t regret to let love do what love will: we can drown in mixed emotions or walk across an angry sea – THIS is the cost of being free.

(exactly my prayer – Jars of Clay – click for the song)

If You think that I’m strong and You could use me, God, well: I am not. I am as weak as a leaf, and I am stumbling often.

If not for good, than could You at least for a night, at least for this night, come and take me? You could just take me and forget about me somewhere on the way. I wouldn’t mind.

If my words reflect stupidity, in fear of You I ask for forgiveness. I just have to warn You that You feed me for free, because there’s nothing I can do and You don’t really need me on Earth, and I think it’s just a matter of time until You realize that. I’m just trying to help You figure it out sooner. The sooner, the better for me. – I know I have lost it.

Today at the Kairos Workshops I was asked: “If you had to do 10 years in prison, which period of your life would you choose?” I answered: “Right now”.
God, I am in this prison that You somehow want me to love. That is a strange thought coming from a strange God. But I love You, God. Teach me.

P.S.: If You still don’t want to take me, for crying out loud, come stay with me this night. Talk to me. Embrace me. Enfold me. Hide me. Wash my heart. Wash my brain. Transform me. Give me wisdom and emotional intelligence.

My to-come winter… will You paint it blue? Listen to my heart, if it’s You will. Paint my winter blue, so everyone may see Your goodness. And if my winter is supposed to be unpainted, my herat will still rejoice in an unpainted world. I trust You.

I’m afraid it’s been too long to try to find the reasons why
I let my world close in around a smaller patch of fading sky
But now I’ve grown beyond the walls to where I’ve never been
And it’s still winter in my wonderland

I’m waiting for the world to fall
I’m waiting for the scene to change
I’m waiting when the colors come
I’m waiting to let my world come undone

I close my eyes and try to see the world unbroken underneath
The farther off and already it just might make the life I lead
A little more than make-believe when all my skies are painted blue
And the clouds don’t ever change the shape of who I am to You

I’m waiting for the world to fall
I’m waiting for the scene to change
I’m waiting when the colors come
I’m waiting to let my world come undone

When I catch the light of falling stars my view is changing me
My view is changing me

I’m waiting…

Waiting, God, waiting and standing in awe of You while waiting…